How To Develop Serious Health Problems

Disclaimer: not all health problems are the result of the things mentioned in this post, but the things mentioned here will cause health issues at some point in your life, if you don’t take the remedy. Even if you do take the remedy, it may not heal the health issue.

Steps to ulcers, heart disease, mental illness, and a host of other diseases:

1) Keep an account of every slight, every wrong ever done to you, and by whom

2) Dwell on them. Let them fester.

3) Be sure to pay back in kind.

4) Never let anyone who has slighted you forget how they hurt you.

5) Keep people at arms length; don’t let them get too close. Don’t open yourself up to hurt.

6) Gossip. Be sure to tell everyone you know how so-and-so treated you, even if it was years ago.

7) Don’t just give the facts when gossiping: expand the details to make them more juicy. Remember, you’re feeding them verbal poison.

8) Never let yourself forgive.

9) Don’t let yourself take any responsibility for what happened. Nothing is ever your fault.

10) Give yourself regular pity parties. You deserve it. You owe it to yourself. Don’t forget to worry over everything that might go wrong, or that may happen in the future. You never know when the past will come back to bite you.

Two of my relatives engaged in these behaviors. My mom could hold a grudge with the best of them. Sometimes she would get to thinking about things her older sister had done to her when they were growing up. Or she would start thinking about some spats she’d had with her father. She would fret and stew about it for days, work herself into a rage, and go on a three-day rampage, daring any of us in our family to get in her way. My mother was also a world-class worrier. She felt responsible for anything that ever went wrong in the world or in our family, although aloud she blamed everyone else. One night while she was at work she noticed, as she was putting up ice cream, that the ice cream freezers had been unplugged. She wasn’t the one who had cleaned them so she wasn’t the one who had unplugged them. Nevertheless, she worried herself into a heart attack, afraid she’d lose her job. She never left the hospital. She had three subsequent strokes, the last one shortly after her 64th birthday.

My aunt (my father’s sister and the wife of my mother’s brother) hated my mother and me because of the fights my parents used to have before they divorced. She hated everyone except her husand. She tolerated her kids, but really wasn’t too thrilled with them either. She died in a nursing home of Alzheimer’s.

The Fear That Cripples Me: Writing 101

Four lanes of traffic. Tractor-trailer rigs edging into my lane, the middle one. Cars hemming me in, cutting too close in front of me. My white-knuckled hands grip the steering wheel. I try to watch the traffic all around me and still see straight ahead. I use my mirrors but there are blind spots. I’m doing the speed limit and people are blaring their horns at me and giving me sign language that doesn’t say ‘hello.’ My exit is coming up in one mile. I need to get over. I turn on my turn signal but no one pays any attention. I’m going to miss my exit. If I start to move over I know I’ll get hit.

And my husband wants me to learn to drive while pulling our 34′ Airstream behind us? What if I have to go through-gulp-road construction? Jersey barriers, narrow lanes, impatient drivers that think I can stop on a dime while traveling 45 miles per hour or faster. Yikes! What if I have to stop for gas? I have a hard time judging where the front end of the truck is, let alone the back end of the camper. I once drove a hundred miles out of my way to avoid the beltway going around Baltimore, Maryland.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have learned to drive our 1-ton dualie and use my side mirrors. I NEVER parallel park. I will find a parking lot to pull into. I can stop and put diesel in the truck. I’ve never hit anyone in the truck. I’m careful because it’s hard to see where the front end is. But congested city traffic? Pulling the camper? Lord, can we find a way around this? Please?