Rage, Anger, Negativity
Every fiber of my being is consumed with the compulsion to strike. My innermost being feels twisted in knots. My thoughts are only negative continually. I see her eyes boring into my soul as she deliberately, with cold calculation presses each button in rapid succession until her lips smirk in cruel satisfaction at the fire she has produced in my eyes. She seeks, nay craves, negative attention and will not feel the taste of bitter victory until she has succeeded in wrenching it from me.
I want to love this child. I do love this child. It is my own inability to control my own response to her manipulation that I loathe. Lord, help me bathe her in Your peace, mercy, grace, and love, until that demonic self-hatred in her is cast into outer darkness, never to return. Calm my spirit, Lord, that I may defeat the enemy that seeks to destroy this child, this child who is incapable of letting You win at this point. Help me remember that her manipulations are produced by fear of rejection. She strikes first, believing she has the upper hand when drawing first blood. If only she could see that the person bleeding the most is her.
She delights in seeing the carnage she scatters around her; yet it leaves her empty and alone. She has entombed herself in Amantilado’s cask. She shrieks and cries to get out, yet the door is not locked. She pushes people away, thus rejecting them before they can reject her, then walks away feeling satisfied that she was right in believing herself to be unlovable.