Pouring My Heart Out

Baring my faults for all the world to see is not easy, but perhaps this will help someone else.

I often have trouble sleeping. When I can’t sleep I usually sit up and play on my computer or do Sudoku puzzles. Sometimes I ask God who He wants me to pray for. Sometimes I just sit and talk to Him, but most of the time I waste the opportunity to spend time with my heavenly Father by ignoring Him and playing.

 For over a year I have intermittently had stomach problems when I go to bed at night. I took supplements for my joint pain (arthritis in knees, neck, and shoulders) and pain reliever for my headaches.

Now let me back up to my childhood. At around the age of ten I decided I wanted to be a writer. It’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do. However, I lacked confidence and my parents discouraged it because “writers don’t make any money.” My parents wanted me to be able to earn a living and it wasn’t going to happen by writing, even though they bought me a used Smith-Corona typewriter for Christmas my junior year in high school.

 In my sixty-plus years I have managed to publish two novels. God gave me a talent to use for His glory and I have allowed my lack of confidence (which should be in Him anyway, not myself) to keep me from being diligent. I’ve been a Christian (born again believer in Jesus the Christ) since age twenty-four, yet I have only published two novels.

 A few days ago we had a neighbor parked out here in the desert and I felt the Lord urging me to share the gospel with them. I was having a bad day and decided that no way could I be an effective witness because someone who is too dumb to keep track of a stone she wanted wire wrapped could never be smart enough or confident enough to share the gospel. Sounds like self-justification (excuses) right? It didn’t sound that way to me at the time. Yesterday I noticed they were getting ready to pull out so I walked over before church and offered a gospel tract. The tract was refused, as they insisted they were good with the Lord. Maybe they were. I don’t know. I just know that God had impressed on me the need to share with them, for whatever reason. We were getting ready to leave for church so there wasn’t time to really get into a discussion.

 I took a short nap yesterday afternoon because I hadn’t slept much the night before. I knew I needed to get up early this morning (six o’clock) to get laundry done before going to my basket-making class. I took some melatonin drops last night about fifteen minutes before bed. I didn’t get any sleep until after 3:00 this morning. Needless to say I didn’t make it to the Laundromat or basket class. I got up around 12:30 this morning and what did I do? I sat and played. Instead of writing, or reading my Bible, or praying, I played. I was being rebellious and I knew it. I was frustrated and angry. Didn’t God know I had plans? (I sound like a spoiled, petulant child.) I knew I was being rebellious because the Holy Spirit reminded me of  I Sam. 15:23a—“For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.”

 Yesterday afternoon I had intended to work at my work in progress (WIP) but I had downloaded some new features for my jigsaw puzzles and mahjong, so I sat and played all day instead. Rebellion again.

 When I finally got up this morning I repented, got into God’s word, and started this post. I knew it was what God wanted me to do and I’m not being rebellious this morning. Yesterday morning the pastor of the church we attend here in Quartzsite read a verse from Psalms. I will post two of them here because maybe they will help someone else as much as they are helping me.

Ps. 119:71, 75—“It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.”

            75—“I know, O LORD, that thy judgments are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.”

 Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that every trial in our lives, or every illness is God’s correcting hand. Sometimes it is. It is up to the individual to seek the Lord and ask if there is something he/she has done to rebel against God or to grieve Him. If you are His child and really seek His fellowship, He will show you from His word, or sometimes the Holy Spirit just groans within you and you know you have been disobedient or unfaithful to Him. Remember Hebrews 12:7,11 tells us that God deals with us as a parent to a child. He chastens those He loves. Be glad He loves you enough to keep drawing you back into His fellowship. He will not let you go.

2 thoughts on “Pouring My Heart Out

    1. Lafayette Angel, thank you so much for following and re-blogging. You are my most faithful follower and I am very grateful. As soon as I figure out how to do it, or when I can get my ebook going for free again on amazon kindle, I’ll let you know. If you are interested, I would love to give you a free copy of “Mending Fences.” U R Awesome!


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